Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
