I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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