Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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