Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
