all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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