Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
