Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
