The maid of honor just puked.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
