do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
even my farts smell like vagina
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
pray to the hookup gods
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
