honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
