I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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