Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
