Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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