Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
