Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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