I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
