My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize