At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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