I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
