We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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