yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
