Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
even my farts smell like vagina
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
