shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
