No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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