I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
