so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
