Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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