Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
