idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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