South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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