i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
