i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
