just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
