you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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