You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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