i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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