for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
