My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
