if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
