Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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