Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
