I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
