Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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