I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
