shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
