I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
