Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize