I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
