@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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