It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
