Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
