I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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