how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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