Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
