Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
