My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I am mentally ready for anal.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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