im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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