Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
