True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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